Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Attitude Check... Positivity isn't what you think

I have been having an oxymoronic/ paradoxic/ ironic type of issue with my attitude of late.  It is difficult to explain and has felt even more difficult to change.  Attitude is something I have written about several times before and I have often practised the 'gratitude' thing with my Thursday Thank You posts.  I have also shared about times when my attitude has been a little negative while I reside in the midst of darkness.  My mind is a scary place some days.  Are you intrigued yet?

My doctor (pain specialist with qualifications related to psychological, pharmacological and neurological fields) is very happy with me.  He seems to think that I am presenting positively in his office more than ever before.  The seed of doubt which is often germinating in his mind when I am smiling and joking has definitely died.  Either, I really am more positive, or I am getting better at outshining the darkness.  

People around me (my deputy principal and my parents) seem to think that I am (quote unquote) doing better.  They say that I'm laughing more and working well.  I seem to be thinking faster and looking happier.  All of this is based on comments from others, not from me.  

If you peeked inside my mind each day, you would see the roller coaster of emotions that I ride every hour.  I am happy.  I joke.  My mind is clear.  I am tired.  I am sore.  I laugh.  I bite my lip and chew on the inside of my mouth. My toes twitch.  I stare.  I read and my brain begins to bounce.  I talk to my students and they actually learn something.  I manage my classroom.  I produce new learning activities and print worksheets with relative ease.  I help colleagues.  I realise a mistake and I shake inwardly.  I cry.  I blink and I squeeze my eyes shut.  I breathe deeply.  I lie on the floor and my muscles spasm.  I hold my breath.  I apologise and admit defeat.  I stretch and I bend and I overreach.  I walk slowly.  I get lost.  I forget what I'm doing or where I was headed.  I move with purpose.  I giggle.  I get sharp pains and dull aches.  I sigh.  It never ends. 

Inwardly, I am constantly struggling with the up and down of mood and brain function.  I swing between brilliance and bumbling.  Outwardly, I am managing well.  

The fact is, that I am managing.  I am not perfect.  Perhaps, I need to remind myself of that every morning.  You see, even my biggest mistakes are minor.  I beat myself up over small things.  I fret over problems instead of focusing on the solutions for them.  Even after I have solved a problem, I worry about its cause.  I blame myself.  I take far more responsibility than is necessary or even reasonable at times.  I am too ready to fall on the sword.  I need to step away from that and realise my worth. 

While we are talking about worth: I need to acknowledge the worth of solutions.  The worth of results.  The worth of coincidence and failure.  It isn't the end of the world.  We have proof of that.  In fact, the world will keep turning and life will go on.  It will be fixed, or it won't.  But, if I have done my best, then that is all that I can give.  

There are days, when I am not giving my best.  There are days when I am ashamed of my best... I know that yesterday I did better.  I know that last year I did better.  But, I have to accept that today is what it is and my ability and my best today is all I can do today.  I need to stop waiting for the day when I will feel better.  That day may never come.  

In case you hadn't seen the paradox... I feel ill and often struggle with my pain.  But, apparently, I can manage that on my own and do my job.  There are days when I should probably be more sensible and stay home in bed, but most of the time, I'm okay.  

Sometimes, the best we can hope for is okay.  Sometimes okay is okay.

I'm okay.  Everything is okay.  
Just breathe.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Kids' Book Review: Review: Parachute

Kids' Book Review: Review: Parachute: Toby is a little boy who loves to explore. Being so little, as we all once were, having something or someone to rely on--to make us feel l...

This book is officially on my wishlist! Check out the review on Kid's Book Review.

Monday, August 12, 2013


Ladies and Gentlemen I have an announcement. 

Today is the day for birthdays.  Would you like a list of the people I know who are celebrating a birthday today?  Too bad, you are getting it anyway. 

One of my students has a birthday today.  We all got the day off school to celebrate (I jest).

Erwin Shroedinger would be 126 today if he was still alive.  Apparently, being a father of theoretical physics is not enough to keep you alive until you are 126.  The other sad thing is that he never got to meet me! Poor man.  This is the perfect excuse for inserting a photo of Shelly here.  

The wife of the BFF's boss is celebrating a birthday today.  Does anyone know where one can buy a meringue torte?  I would tell you the suburb, but I have reason to believe that this guy would have it flown in from Meringue Land if there was such a place. 

My Mum is celebrating a birthday today and I'm not going to reveal her age.  I will say that there are no zeroes therefore I only have to say happy birthday once.  (winky smile!)

It is a "BLOB" today, as that is what Mum calls my blog.  She doesn't quite understand cyberspace.  Either that or she is being so ironic that even I don't get it. 


I hope everyone who is sharing their birthday with my darling mother is having a glorious day.  

With all my Love 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


National Literacy and Numeracy Week 2013 (the 15th anniversary) just ended.  What a relief! It has been quite busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.  I am struggling with a few things of late that I decided I should share.  This is simply for the purpose of getting it out of my head. Here goes. 

Coughs and Colds and Flu's and General Yuckyness

The onset of winter and the westerly winds that arrive in August have got everyone in my world coughing and sneezing.  A few of the more susceptible among us have also had ear infections and even hospital visits.  The rest of us are just very very tired.  Feeling this way is not at all fun.  It is difficult to do anything much and even harder to motivate oneself out of bed.  The worst thing about it is that watching everyone else around you get sick and endure the illness for literally months, leads you to believe that there is not end in sight.  Why get out of bed when the world is filled with sick people and germs! 

Moving Hangover

After moving house and the fun of unpacking (which I still haven't done) one tends to get a little hangover.  I think they do anyway.  Things are sort of in limbo while you are still working out where things should go and what really works.  This awkward enough when one lives along, but moving BACK in with their parents... what was I thinking?... and you throw a cat into the mix (generally a cat is very cranky after being thrown anywhere) and hitting the ground running at work... and the slightly awkward turns into quite the headache.  The end of the day comes all too slowly and yet all too quickly. 
I want to unpack another box or more.  I want to curl up in a ball, just like Shelly, and cuddle with my kitty.  I have school work to do and house work to catch up on.  Perhaps having Mum around isn't so bad... she is an ironing fairy (and a laundry fairy and a dishes fairy) when she isn't at work.  However, the list of things to do is getting longer and longer and while my days seem short in terms of time to do things, the days feel far too long in terms of what my body will handle.  I'm tired.  The worst thing about being tired is being cranky! I don't like being cranky and so, I try to control my crankiness and that takes a lot of energy too. 

Do you see my dilemma?! 

Anyway.  I'm tired and I have a sore throat too, by the way, and I'm feeling rather overwhelmed.  You see, it doesn't seem to matter that I need to stop periodically a few times each day, the world doesn't stop.  It never stops.  The earth keeps turning and everyone keeps living their lives.  Kids do their homework and more kids don't do their homework.  Teachers ask me questions about their students and assessments and I have to create learning activities for my classes.  There are meetings and resources I need to prepare and I can hear the deadlines whooshing past my head faster than the speed of light (which technically means I wouldn't be able to hear them either, but they are just that noisy).  

You probably think I'm having a good old fashioned whinge and  I don't know how good I've got it.  I mean to say... who else has a free laundry and dishes fairy?  But, I do know how good I have it.  I really do know. You see, one of the reasons I am actually sleeping well and want to sleep more is that I am busy enough to get tired and I have a great bed.  I have a bed that is comfortable and supportive and warmed for me especially by the cutest kitty you have ever seen.  Now all I have to do is get her to move over so I can enjoy it!! 
I have friends and I have family who love me.  I have my own TV and sole control of my remote.  I have a laptop which works and doesn't frustrate me when my fingers are moving fast... because my laptop can keep up.  I have internet access.  I have a classroom of my own where I can store my resources and posters and it is okay that I'm a hoarder because there is room (well some room) for my stuff in my room.  I have some nice students who want to learn and who respect me and the work I do to help them.  I have colleagues who make me laugh.  I have a soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur who loves to play with me and purrs when I pat her and who waits for me to get home in the evenings.  

I'm not crazy.  I'm tired.  I'm hungry.  I'm overwhelmed.  But, crazy, I'm not! 

I hope I haven't depressed you too much.