NB: You might want to read the other post entitled What's the Secret? before this one.
Well, it is now 2011. Not 2004. I will never throw away my writing or my other work from the past because it reminds me of who and what I was... once upon a time. I liked reading my literary essay, I enjoyed the optimism in the author's voice. I know the author was me, but she seems a stranger to me now. Seven years is not that long in the grand scheme of things. Many 70 year olds would say that 7 years is but a short time. What lessons of significance could you learn in only 7 years? How could your past self (only 7 years younger) be a stranger? Well, hold on tight, because here goes.
2004 M was a university student, who had a plan! She was engaged to be married. She was a leader among the young people of her church. She was much, much thinner!!!! She loved like she would never be hurt and trusted as if she would never be betrayed. She was certain that in a very short time she would have a class of her own and be a real, honest to goodness teacher. M, loved her parents and surprisingly enough got on with them most of the time. She was unwell, but she didn't let it stop her from doing the things she loved. She was growing and learning all the time. She was impatient and restless.
2011 M is another story entirely. She is a teacher on medical leave. She is divorced from her husband who is now remarried. She has been betrayed and rejected. M spent 4 years supply teaching, tutoring, contract teaching and volunteering before she got her very own class (and more). She lived (for a year or so) in her parents' backyard, but now lives with a friend. She knows what grief really means. She sees children in a different light. She feels constant pain. She is grateful, but disappointed. She is lonely, but does not want company. She is confused.
While these two women may seem to be very different. I am sure you can see their similarities. There is something else that remains to bind them.
This one truth is stronger in me than ever before and it will continue to be so. I am a child of the most high GOD. I love Him and know that He will not betray or reject me. I know that He has a beautiful plan for my life. I still believe that happiness is a choice, however, it is a much more difficult path to tread. I also believe that grieving and sadness are necessary to healing a soul, just like rest and rehabilitation are necessary to healing a body. No apologies, I am very intelligent, but my heart often disagrees with my mind.
I believe that tears and despair can run alongside joy and peace. As a child, I begged for patience, not realising that the only way GOD gives us a virtue is to place us in situations that require it. I have learned patience through years of lessons... God is still teaching me how to wait. While I can not see it, I know there is a long road ahead.
Everything 2004 Me wrote was true. Naive as it may sound to the more seasoned traveller, it is based on research and a great deal of thought. However, as 2011 me has learned... in most cases, the cargo is never what we expected.